You used to think you were over it. You thought you got out
like you had desperately hoped you would. You had waited for this time for so
long, only to find out you can never escape. The light you found was an
illusion, a trick of your mind – the end of the tunnel is just a myth; a lie
fabricated to help you go on.
You have been through it, you know how it hurts. All this
while, you were happier, you could push back all these thoughts to the back of
your mind. Unable to take it anymore, you denied every truth you knew and made
yourself believe it was over. Surprisingly, telling a lie a thousand times does
make it feel like the real thing.
But now, the levee has broken - it is back to haunt you. The
black and white and red. It’s as if you can see nothing else. Sometimes, there
is such a bright light, such out of bound happiness. It feels like nothing
could ever go wrong. You feel like
you’re in the perfect place. You’re fulfilling your life’s purpose and nothing
can deter you from the path you are moving on. You feel so amazing and
valuable. Sometimes, it gets so bright,
it blinds you. You don’t know what to do with the happiness- it is scary. But,
it is the good part because after this comes the eclipse. The feelings of
unimaginable sadness, undefined guilt and the worse – the inexplicable
emptiness. You feel like a worthless piece of shit and nothing you do can ever
change that. And then there is the red –
the incomprehensible rage; the unfathomable, uncontrollable, irrational rage.
The anger – at anyone and everyone – even, rather mostly, yourself. The anger
for the sole reason that you exist.
You are so disconnected and disoriented and the loneliness
it brings is enough to kill you again and again. It’s as if people cease to
exist once they leave the room. You can’t feel them or their love unless you
are in contact with them. In the
beginning, you’d cry – you’d cry so hard just to get rid of the feeling. Then,
you told yourself to shut up and deal with it. Now, it is just another part of
the heavy stone pulling your heart down. It is just one link on the chain
strangling your throat.
And you’re so confused all the time. There are times you
can’t even answer what your favourite colour is. It’s black; wait, that red
there looks better; or maybe blue? You can’t see anything clearly. It’s either
good or bad, positive or negative, black or white. You either love with all
your heart or you hate with all the
odious and abhorrent thoughts you can think of. And still, these can change
within such a short time. You can be hating someone you love or loving someone
you hate the next day. You can never be sure. Just a simple ‘hello’ lights your
day while a ‘sorry, I’m busy’ makes you head to your stash of blades.
It gets so dark, so very dark. It becomes harder to look
down a high building without imagining a body bag on the ground below it. You
avoid looking at your wrists for the fear of those ghost lines that haunt your
thoughts every other moment. You can’t look at a knife without thinking of
blood. Death seems to be the only refuge and the ultimate fear.
It feels like insanity. You’re just as normal as anyone else
- with a messed up brain sequence. Yet, you never know how to BE NORMAL. You
wish there was a switch you could turn off and just relax like everyone else;
without the fear of abandonment and loneliness. You just want to be like
everyone else. And you want to be loved. But you can never show anyone else how
it feels.
You function as normally as anyone else letting no one see
what goes on inside.
No one ever sees the war you fight within.
